Bess Marvin's Guide to Untimely Death
by Lady Emily
Summary: "Oh, don't mind them. They're just upset because the fortune teller lead didn't pan out. And because she told us all how we're going to die."


A/N: I'm almost done the last chapter of _Egyptian Deception_, I swear! But I felt like writing something silly and fun... Please drop me a review if you like it?

Disclaimer: Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys do not belong to me, and this story was written purely for fun and not profit.

* * *

"Finally!" Joe Hardy exclaimed as they crossed the carnival midway. "We get to investigate _my_ suspect pick."

Nancy Drew narrowed her eyes in bemusement. "What does he mean, his suspect pick?" she asked Joe's older brother, Frank.

Frank rolled his eyes. "Joe's got a thing about magicians. Loves them."

Nancy's head whipped around to look at Joe, who was walking on her other side. "Really, Joe? _Magicians?_ That's so... nerdy. I can't wait to tell Bess." she teased.

"Fine, but make sure you remind her that my other hobbies are motorcycles and punching things." Joe deadpanned. "Anyway," he defended, "Magic is cool. It takes a lot of skill to pull off a good illusion. It's all about finesse, misdirection, split-second timing-"

"Half-naked women in sequined costumes?" Nancy guessed.

"Well, that doesn't hurt either." Joe said with a grin. "And besides, girls love slight of hand. Check it out." As Nancy watched, he reached behind her ear and smoothly produced a coin, which he flipped into the air for her to catch.

"A quarter." Nancy said, examining it with a smile. "All right. That was cute, I'll admit."

"Consider yourself lucky: usually he pulls out a flower, or worse, a piece of paper with his phone number on it." Frank said dryly.

Nancy burst into laughter. "I'd much rather have the quarter!"

Joe shrugged off their teasing. "You're the first one to say that."

"Oh, _please_." Nancy shook her head. "Anyway, our suspect is a fortune teller, not a magician. She probably doesn't even know any magic tricks."

"Not tricks. _Illusions._" Joe corrected in a lofty voice, causing Frank and Nancy to look at each other and stifle grins.

"_Illusions_, then." Nancy repeated. They'd reached the outskirts of the carnival, and the area was much less populated than the main fairway. "Here's our girl." She pointed to a small striped tent that had wind chimes, dream-catchers, and other assorted knickknacks hanging from its tent poles. A colorful wooden sign rested on an easel out front, proclaiming, "MADAME EVANOVA: Mistress of Fortune." Below it was a list of services: "Palm Reading – Tarot – Learn your Fate."

Frank sighed audibly, and Nancy looked over at him. "I take it you're not looking forward to this interview?" she asked wryly.

He ran one hand through his dark hair. "You know how it is with these 'mystic' types... They never give you a straight answer. Always going on about 'destiny,' and 'the spirits'... It's all vague promises and smoke and mirrors."

"I know what you mean..." Nancy agreed. "And they don't tend to like skeptics, either."

"Yeah, yeah, we get it, we're all straight-laced science types here." Joe said. "So are we gonna talk to Madame Evanova or what?" He ducked into the tent, then held back the flap so that Nancy and Frank could enter.

The inside of the tent was dimly-lit, the air hazy with smoke and thick with the smell of incense. The ground was hidden by a series of overlapping worn rugs of various designs. The circumference of the tent was cluttered with an amalgam of odd belongings—dusty-looking trunks, blankets, dolls, books. One crate even held a crystal ball.

In the center of the tent was a round wooden table surrounded by four chairs. In the chair facing the tent's opening sat a striking young woman in Gypsy array. Her dark, wild hair was somewhat tamed by the purple scarf tied around her head. A single gold hoop earring gleamed in one ear. Her eyes were a startling shade of green as she rose to her feet, surveying the three newcomers.

"Welcome. I am Madame Evanova."

Nancy and Frank glanced at each other and then at Joe. When faced suddenly with the fortune teller's stunning beauty, it seemed only natural to let Joe take point.

Sure enough, Joe flashed her his most charming smile. "It's nice to meet you. Though if you don't mind me saying, you look much too young to be called 'madame.'"

"Nevertheless, I am." replied Madame Evanova, not unkindly, just matter-of-factly. Her voice was low and tinged with some unidentifiable Slavic accent.

Joe cleared his throat and tried again. "Madame Evanova, we're here to-"

"I know why you are here." the fortune teller said calmly, retaking her seat. "You are here for information." She gestured for them to take the three empty seats in front of her.

"Uh, yes." Frank said as they all sat down. He shared confused looks with Joe and Nancy. The carnival's chief financial backer, who had hired them to investigate the acts of sabotage happening at the carnival, had told them that none of the employees would be aware of their investigation. "We'd just like to ask a few questions, if that's all right."

"I can give you many answers," Madame Evanova said vaguely. "Although they may not be the ones you wish to hear."

"Have you heard anything about the incident with the ferris wheel?" Frank asked her.

Madame Evanova's glowing eyes fixed on him. "Give me your palm."

Noting, with amusement, that Frank looked slightly uncomfortable, Nancy spoke up. "Madame Evanova, we're really not here for palm readings. We'd just like to know about the strange events that have been happening around this carnival."

Madame Evanova shook her head, her gold earring swinging back and forth. "I can only tell you what I know. I know that you are all in great danger." She held out her hand for Frank's once more. "Your palm."

Reluctantly, Frank gave her his hand. "What makes you think we're in danger?" he asked, clearly more out of politeness than because he actually believed what she was saying.

"I see danger in every inch of your skin." the fortune teller intoned, her eyes skimming over Frank's hand as if it were a book. She dragged one long, lacquered fingernail over the lines on his palm. "You live a dangerous life. More dangerous than most. You come here seeking things that are dangerous to pursue... a mystery with no clues... a girl, who doesn't belong to you..."

Frank yanked back his hand as if burned. "Fine." he said quickly. "Danger. I get it."

"Ah." said Madame Evanova. "You thrive on danger, but you try to avoid playing with fire. Very wise... Although I fear that you will still meet an untimely end."

Frank frowned. "Is that a threat?"

Madame Evanova shook her head. "It is destiny. You can only tempt fate for so long. One day, you will meet with a situation you will not be able to defuse."

The three detectives just stared at her in silence.

Madame Evanova's attention deserted Frank, and she focused instead on Nancy and Joe. "Who shall be next to know their fate?"

"I-I really don't think-" Nancy stuttered.

At the same time, Joe held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "I'm good."

"Fear..." Madame Evanova said knowingly. "Not the sort of response I would have expected from adventurers such as yourselves. But the burden of fate is too heavy for many to carry, although we all must carry it eventually." She started to turn away, as if she were dismissing them.

"Wait!" Nancy said.

Yeah, hold up." Joe agreed. "We didn't say we were scared. Go on, hit us." At Frank's look of exasperation he shrugged. "What? She totally nailed yours."

Madame Evanova smiled a flawless smile as she turned back to them. Her hands were now filled with a tall stack of cards. They were larger than standard playing cards, and thicker, and they hosted a series of strange designs. Nancy had seen tarot cards before, and she was sure that these were different from the usual deck, although they did look very old.

The fortune teller began to lay the cards out in various piles on the table, facing down. The back side of each card featured an elaborate design in dark blue ink, at the center of which was a single staring eye. Then she placed one pile in front of Joe and one in front of Nancy. "Please, cut the decks anywhere you like."

Joe did it first, taking the first few cards from the top of his pile and laying them aside. Madame Evanova then flipped the top card and looked at it. "What a shame." she sighed.

Joe folded his arms skeptically. "What is it?"

"And you were going to be so lucky in love..." Madame Evanova continued sadly. She placed the card down in front of him, but the shapes on it meant nothing to him. "A car accident!" she elucidated dramatically.

"A _car accident_?" Joe repeated, disappointed. "How pedestrian."

Nancy let out a short laugh at his pun, but Madame Evanova's arrival at _her_ quickly drained her of mirth.

The fortune teller took the top card from Nancy's deck and studied it with grim eyes. "Another young death." she said. "_The long fall._" The card showed a silhouette of a deep abyss. "In some cases, this card represents a metaphorical fall, from fortune or power. But in your case, I believe it is literal. You have good reason to fear heights, my dear."

"Noted." Nancy said with a wan smile.

"If you were as cautious in your working life as in your love life, you would be safe." Madame Evanova told her. "And if you were as bold in your love life as in your working life, you would be happy."

"I don't know what you mean." Nancy said tautly. "Madame Evanova, are you sure there's nothing you can tell us concerning the sabotage at the carnival?"

"I am not concerned by the affairs of those on the mortal plane." Madame Evanova replied.

"Then I think we're done here." Nancy said, standing from her chair.

Joe handed Madame Evanova back the stack of cards, closing his fingers lightly over hers as he did so. "So you didn't see _anything_ suspicious on the day the ferris wheel malfunctioned?" he pressed.

Evanova raised a lofty eyebrow at him, extracting her hand from his with a jangling of bracelets. "I do not know. Have a good day."

With that dismissal, the three detectives found themselves outside of the tent, heading back for the carnival midway.

"What a waste of time." Frank said.

"Oh, I don't know... _I_ learned some pretty interesting things in there..." Joe teased, causing both Nancy and Frank to blush. "Although it would have been nice if we'd been able to get something case-related out of her."

"Maybe you should have tried pulling a quarter out of her ear." Nancy suggested sourly.

They met up with Bess Marvin near that parking lot, where she was sitting at a picnic table nursing a paper cone of cotton candy. Joe sat next to her, plucking off a puff of the wispy blue sugar and popping it in his mouth. "How'd you make out?"

"Not great." Bess admitted. "I talked to the strong man, but he was sick during the time of most of the sabotage. He even showed me the bracelet from his hospital stay." She looked at Nancy with a grin. "It was as big as a necklace; his wrists were _that _thick."

"Hot." Nancy said unenthusiastically, dropping down on the opposite bench next to Frank.

Bess looked at Joe. "What's wrong with these two?"

"Oh, don't mind them." Joe said lightly. "They're just upset that we struck out with Madame Evanova. And that she told us all how we're going to die."

"Ooh, really? How?" Bess said excitedly.

Joe pointed to himself first. "Well, I die in a measly car crash." he said with annoyance. "But as for these two:" he gestured to Frank—"Exploded by a bomb."—and Nancy—"Falls off a cliff."

Bess looked impressed. "That sounds about right." She placed a comforting hand on Joe's bicep. "And I'm sure when she said car crash, she meant during a high-speed chase with terrorists."

"Hey," Joe said, looking much cheered by that, "I bet you're right!"

"Aw, guys, don't worry about it." Bess said to Nancy and Frank. "It's not like you believe in that fortune-telling stuff. Anyone can guess how people are going to die. Watch." She indicated the carnival exit, where a slow but steady stream of people were leaving the festivities and heading for their cars, and pointed to several people in turn. "Old age. Old age. Electrocuted by the toaster. Falls in quicksand." She shrugged. "See? Easy!"

Nancy laughed. "Of course I don't believe in fortune tellers. And it's not like I'm shaken up that she claimed to know how we'll die, it's just... Those guesses are really spot-on. I mean, Frank's encountered dozens of bombs, more than probably anyone, and certainly more than anyone our age. So why would a carnival psychic guess that? And Joe's always in a car chase, and, well-"

"We've had to pull Nan up like, four cliffs since breakfast." Joe finished, and Nancy swatted him. He ducked, continuing, "We don't know if she has an inner-ear problem, or if gravity's just stronger for her, somehow..."

"I've almost fallen to my death more than a few times." Nancy admitted. "The point is, it's messed up that she guessed that."

Bess thought for a moment. "I see your point, Nan, but... not to put too fine a point on it, you guys have had a _lot_ of near-death experiences. I mean pretty much any set of violent circumstances she described would have fit you just as well. Look," she said, pointing first to Nancy, then Frank, and then Joe. "Shot in the face. Shot in the face twenty times with something automatic. Grabs a backpack instead of a parachute." She shrugged. "Now that I've said them, they seem plausible too."

"Yeah, thanks Bess." Joe said dryly.

"She's kind of right, though." Frank said. "We've had enough close calls that nearly anything she'd guessed would have sounded like something we've been through."

"I know how I'm going to die." Bess announced. "Overcome by smoke inhalation. That's nearly happened to me, what, four times?"

"We have been in a couple of fires." Frank agreed. "Warehouse fires, cabin fires... Um, train... fires..."

"Frank's been in at least two avalanches." Joe volunteered.

"Joe nearly drowned in a vat of chocolate." Nancy said, grinning when Joe scowled at the memory.

"Oh! I changed my mind." Bess said quickly, pointing at Joe. "Drowning in a vat of chocolate. That's definitely how I want to go."

Joe shook his head. "No you don't. The amount of time it took to get it all out of my ears alone... Never mind everywhere else."

Bess made a face. "Please don't elaborate."

Joe changed the subject. "Of course, there was that time Nancy and Frank were entombed alive."

Nancy blushed and moved on. "Let's see, I've run out of air scuba diving, been tied to an anchor about to be dropped underwater, eaten poisonous oleanders... Oh, I've come close to getting bitten by a couple of venomous snakes..."

"I was attacked by a bear." Joe said. "Bears totally trump snakes."

"I don't know about _that_..." Nancy said with a little shiver.

Bess raised her eyebrows. "Falling off a cliff is sounding better and better, huh?"

Nancy sighed.

"Hey." Frank said, placing a reassuring hand over Nancy's. "We've never let you fall before." he said, smiling softly.

"I know." Her eyes locked to his like magnets, and she smiled too.

"All right." Joe said, looking mischievously between his brother and Nancy. "So now we know how Madame Evanova managed to impress us with her death predictions. But how do you think she knew about Nancy and Frank's unspoken-"

"_Joe!_" Nancy and Frank cut him off simultaneously, guiltily pulling away from each other. Nancy quickly stood. "We've got a case to work on, guys." Frank got up and followed her as she headed back into the carnival.

Joe shrugged as he and Bess followed behind them. "Seriously." he said to her. "Evanova could totally tell they had the hots for each other. It was hilariously uncomfortable."

Bess looked after Frank and Nancy, who were now deep in conversation about the case, and shook her head. "It must be nice to be a professional fortune teller," she said with a roll of her eyes, "And get paid to state the obvious."


End file.
